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There used to be a summer “silly
season” in journalism, when legislatures were on break, people were on vacation
and serious news was hard to come by.
Readership fell off. What to
do? Newspapers used attention-grabbing
headlines and off-beat stories to lure readers and advertisers, and make it
through the dog days of summer.
Although silly seasons long ago faded
away and news cycles nowadays are practically instantaneous, almost every day’s
newspaper still brings silly season-style stories.
Here’s such a story, about a human
animal, that I couldn’t resist.
Just last week, with editorial
straight face, the Times of Trenton
ran a story about how former governor Chris Christie will soon unveil “the
Christie Institute of Public Policy” at Seton Hall University School of Law,
Newark. Its goal: bring civility to
today’s politics.
It is to laugh -- but you have to have
been familiar with Christie’s public persona during his two terms to fully appreciate
the humor. Two other facts from the
silly story: Seton Hall is Christie’s alma mater, in case you wondered, and
“the institute will not focus on New Jersey politics,” the story said.
Enough of that silliness -- or hypocrisy.
Next, Christie may offer workshops on ending bear hunts.
On to a non-human animal: the cow. Typically calm, self-contained and
non-threatening, cows have
lately become therapists for humans. Their placid,
non-judgmental nature, their stillness, their approachability. . . all these
traits have recommended cows to people wanting to hug, pet, brush and confide
in them.
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“Cow cuddling”: It has a warm and welcoming sound, doesn’t
it? And it’s happening on a farm in
upper New York State, where for $75 an hour per couple, people can spend time
with either Bella or Bonnie, hugging, cuddling and conducting one-way
conversations.
This often happens on the ground
because contented cows prefer lying in the grass to chew their cuds. So, if the cows drop down, humans hunker down
with them, where it’s easier to hug, anyway.
The couple who own the farm heard of
this practice in their native Netherlands during a recent visit home. They bought two gentle, horn-free cows to
become therapy animals, adding to their bed and breakfast offerings.
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Maybe this could become a future “career” for cows saved
from slaughter as “meat-free meats” grow more popular. Then again, whatever they might be doing, cows
would still be the source of methane, a powerful greenhouse gas, in fearful
quantities.
(Cows
to the contrary, I’m persuaded that therapy begins at home, with two loving, highly
huggable cats who listen, look concerned and hang in with me till the rough patches
end. And, unlike cows, they don’t emit
methane.)
Moving away from the silly season into
the gratuitously cruel one, there’s Arby’s reply -- or nose-thumbing -- to the
meat-free meat movement: its meat-based carrot, or “Marrot.” Essentially turkey meat with a glaze, Arby’s
“megetable” looks like a carrot and reportedly has much of its nutritional
value.
This concoction is simply needless and cruel,
especially for turkeys. Just what the
world doesn’t need right now is more opportunity to consume animal
flesh.
(“. . . filet mignon is nothing but a piece of cadaver under cellophane.”
-- Brigitte Bardot, in Tears of Battle:
An Animal Rights Memoir)
And just what the world does need right
now is fish-free fish! Well, it’s in the
works, and why not? Commercial fishing
is accused of strip-mining the seas, hugely depleting the world’s fish stock,
and we’ve clogged the oceans with plastics and other sea-life killers. It’s
time for seafood alternatives.
One such substitute, Good Catch tuna,
is available right now at Whole Foods, and it has reportedly inspired tuna melt
binges. If we’re slowly moving toward terrestrial
meat-free foods, why not do the same for fish?
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